Yesterday, as with most Sundays these days, I hit a wall. I bet you can relate right? I knew I hit the wall when my fiance got annoyed because in the middle of the night, I ate all of the strawberry snack cakes, like legit I ate every….single…..one. I am a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and the owner of two beautiful companies- Peak Professional Group, PLLC a group practice located in North Carolina and Peak Practice Solutions, LLC- a credentialing company. So, here is a little backstory to give you context to my post!
My friends and colleagues know that I am gritty- meaning that I have resiliency skills and am an extremely determined, foul-mouthed authentically imperfect person who is passionate about mental health and even more passionate about being authentic- in every aspect of my life. I am not as politically correct as I probably should be, I use the word F*CK in the most endearing and powerful of ways. I love to call bullshit when I see it and I am abnormally honest about how I feel about most things and people. I am intuitive, compassionate and loving. How is that for a great “elevator speech”?
So yesterday, I hit the wall, like was driving down the freeway, jamming out to my music without a care in the world and hit an invisible wall- I didn’t care about shit and couldn’t even stand to be around myself. I was feeling like a real asshole for not being grateful or loving or even nice to myself- a not-so-normal for little Ms. Badass over here.
I have faced many challenges over the years including a move to Puerto Rico with my now ex-husband and two children and then a move back to the States 6 years ago- landing in North Carolina. My divorce challenged me in ways that I never knew would be possible and I not only survived but I thrived, making myself and my life even better. I had the support of my amazing therapist friends and family- I learned how to show myself compassion and love through that very difficult time in my life- as divorces, separations and other huge life events can be for most of us. As a therapist, it was hard to get the help and support that I needed, at first because I had this cool belief that as a therapist, I had to have and keep my own shit together. Guess what? We are totally human too. In fact, some of the best therapists that I know and have trained under, have had their own therapists and “hitting the wall” moments too.
While in grad school I specialized in Crisis & Trauma. Through this experience, I learned a very important “thing”. The Chinese symbol for crisis literally means “Danger and Opportunity” , something that has always rang true for me, especially because I specialize in helping people make sense of their own crisis and traumas. This may become important later on….
I read all of these super cute and well-written blog posts about how to handle your “new” life and how to keep yourself sane during this pandemic and while I appreciate the efforts, I am not f&cking feeling it. This shit sucks some days. Pre-pandemic, life was pretty normal, as it has been for most everyone. No more or no less drama than anyone else.
My new “normal” sucks some days. I am just gonna let that sit here for a second with you because I know you all are feeling it too. Some days I am all "namaste" and peace and love- other days, it is all I can do to make sure that I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I was the bright individual who decided to buy a puppy (important foreshadowing insert) right as we were getting put on orders to stay home, thinking "hey, at least I will be home to train her, right?" Oh, yeah, the same person who gets great pleasure watching her 12 little chicks go after mosquitoes like they are at a WWF match. I am telling, some days I just hit the ever-loving invisible wall.
Some days, I rummage around my house, trying to find something to do and end up annoying everyone in my life. I watch my Netflix, I start and keep routines, I create more havoc by starting “projects” to be done around the house and yard, you know the ones I am talking about- the ones that we always said if we just had more time to do it, then we would get so much accomplished. I have organized the hell outta my house and cleaned it more than ever before. Cute side note- just because you stay home more doesn't mean your house is actually any cleaner for it. I clean more now than ever before because we are all fighting a lack of motivation some days and none of us wants to clean. Okay, to be fair though, who actually "likes" to clean?
Well, that ain’t happenin’ folks. Some days it does and I feel accomplished and part of a bigger community- other days I wanna lay in bed all day and forget that I know anyone outside or even inside of my house. Thankfully, my kids are adults now or this post might be written from a jail cell (just kidding-maybe). We are all hitting a wall with the “stay at home” orders, so much information is flying around, new measures being taken for safety and changes to the economy, it’s all I can do to scroll past the 1000 posts on how everyone is doing- again, I appreciate the efforts people are making to keep shit together because we all need it some days and I am learning to set boundaries with myself on social media and my super cool fiance who thoroughly enjoys obsessing over conspiracy theories.
As a therapist, I spend my days trying to help and support my clients in understanding life as we currently know it and work on issues that have nothing to do with a pandemic, thanks be to the all mighty. Everyone gets to see a relatively put together therapist on their laptop meanwhile, I have my jogging pants on and hair done in a messy bun- sorry, not sorry people. This is me keepin’ shit real.
Lucky is the client whose cat isn’t running around on their neck or my dogs humping in the background (don’t ask) as my new puppy barks at the other two and I try to keep my composure throughout this whole thing as I am equally aware of my very own shit-show going on around me. I teach and preach on self-compassion and find myself challenged in this area these days as well. Some days I have no energy or push left in me, no motivation to do what needs done (no, I am not depressed!) and you know what? It’s okay. We are living and surviving through a global pandemic-one in which no one really knows what will happen or how this will shape and change the world around us.
However, I do know that, I do my grocery shopping, watching people get skeeved out when I sneeze (into my elbow and no it’s not the Coronavirus) and staying their socially acceptable and recommended distance, I see fellow small businesses closed up and unemployment has touched my family in the same way that it has for hundreds of thousands of others. I know that communities no longer gather and I know that people are suffering. I know that my close friend and colleague couldn't get a hug from me when her husband suddenly died and left her with three small children. I know that my clinical director is just coming back from a horrible car accident and I know a few more things like that but alas I digress. I think about that little kiddo who is stuck at home with an unloving or inattentive parent or that woman who can’t get therapy because her husband is the reason she is in therapy and he is home with her all...of….the….time- just like everyone else.
I feel deeply sad, I feel mad and even enraged, I feel joy, I feel compassion, I feel determined, I feel frustrated, I feel f&cking exhausted-emotionally and physically most days because I am either running hard at this or running hard from this- either way it is exhausting. The roller coaster ride has been real and I drive the struggle bus on the daily now (let's be grateful for a second that gas prices have gone down so much right? Too bad we can't go anywere, LOL).
Remember when I said to hold on to the idea of danger/opportunity? Here goes- the global pandemic has created a heightened sense of danger and fear in most people, normal is no longer and we are fighting a “war” with an invisible “thing” that many of us can’t even really comprehend and quite frankly I stand by my own that “ignorance is bliss”.
The opportunity comes in making sense of the danger, understanding how it intrinsically impacts our daily lives and making adjustments when needed. For me, this has been an opportunity to dive into some great self-care by learning to really pay attention to what my body and on an even deeper level, my soul- is telling me and following those recommendations- when I am hungry, I eat; when I am sad, I cry; when I am happy, I laugh; when I am tired, I take a nap and when I need to create- I do that too! We can’t feel like superheroes every single day, its an impossible task to be dealt with so show yourself some love today and when in doubt “flow” with whatever your soul needs to feel better. We are all in this shit together (cringy as it sounds) and we are all ONE.
Below is a weird little list of things that make me feel more “one” with myself and my true higher purpose:
- Namaste- my people- Keep it real
I am authentically and unapologetically real and true to me. I am a daughter, mother, bosslady, sister and any one of a dozen other things! I love to create groups, training materials and projects around the subject of authentic badassery. I love to inspire true authenticity and to ...........be badass or go home!