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The Struggle Bus

A therapist's very humble and somewhat sarcastic outlook...

Dual Processing Through Grief

11/16/2018

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By: Kacey Mullaney, Counseling Intern  
11/5/2018
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After the death of a loved one, we all go through a grieving process. This process looks different for each of us, because our grief is unique- just like the person we lost. We can hear a lot of well-meaning but ultimately useless or even harmful advice, like “be strong” or “time heals all wounds” or “your loved one is in a better place”. And these comments come from the few people who are willing to acknowledge the loss! Many friends and family members feel uncomfortable even broaching the subject, fearing they’ll upset us.

With people worrying over us or tiptoeing around us, we can feel pressure to grieve a certain way. Is it too soon to laugh or wear bright colors? Am I allowed to feel anger or even relief after losing someone I loved? When am I allowed to enjoy a TV show again, or have fun on a night out? Am I supposed to be crying myself to sleep a year or more after my loss?

Popular theories about grief suggest that after going through some “stages” a mourner will be able to face their emotions and move on with their lives. But in reality, grieving isn’t so cut and dried. In addition to dealing with a wild array of fluctuating internal emotions, a mourner is also immediately faced with the necessary practical tasks that life requires. We still have to get out of bed in the morning, eat meals, pay bills, care for children and maintain relationships with remaining friends and family, even while actively dealing with a great personal loss. We might be in the “depression” stage one day, feeling hopeful and accepting the next, then crash back into depression when the holidays approach. And for many, this up and down battle can go on for years.

This is where the Dual Processing Model (DPM) by Stroebe and Schut comes in. The DPM of grieving suggests that mourners experience two different kind of stressors simultaneously: loss-oriented stressors and restoration-oriented stressors. Or, in simpler terms, we experience challenges related to the loss of our loved one, and challenges related to rebuilding our lives. We spend half of our time grieving our loved one, missing them, reminiscing about them, resisting “the new normal”. But we spend the other half of our time attending to life: paying bills, trying to distract ourselves with new things, moving into our new roles as single parents or heads of households, finding joy.

​Both loss-oriented stressors and restoration-oriented stressors come with their own sets of emotions, both positive and negative, and we bounce between them constantly. The DPM allows a mourner to be both happy and sad; devastated and hopeful; frozen and functioning; living in the past and looking toward the future. The DPM allows us to take a break from our suffocating grief and rebuild; it also allows us to take a break from rebuilding and just be sad. This is the beauty of the DPM model- it allows for a wide, healthy range of fluctuating emotions and behaviors that are all necessary as we move through our grief.

Remember, your grief is unique and normal. Don’t be surprised or ashamed by the crazy emotions you might feel. Even relief, anger and guilt are all very normal. I hope the DPM theory encourages you to follow your own process and take breaks from your grief as you see fit. It’s an ongoing process! Acknowledge your grief, and acknowledge your life as you rebuild, moving between the two as frequently as you need. Allow yourself to feel it all and experience life in a way and at a speed that makes sense for you.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And it’s worth noting that this model can apply to all sorts of significant losses in life, not just the death of a loved one.

Thanks for stopping by!


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    Samantha Mahon, M.S.,NCC, LPC

    Samantha is usually the driver of the struggle bus but also thoroughly enjoys being a passenger on someone else's struggle bus.
     
    The struggle bus is a term that we use when we are in a space where things are not going the way that we planned or wanted (like every...single...day...of.....my....
    life!). 

    This blog was created with humor in mind- to share those everyday struggles and experiences that make us feel like we are going bat-shit crazy. 

    While Samantha is a professional counselor, she uses this blog, in particular, to get to the nitty-gritty of life so expect a few cuss words every now and then and please know that everything in this blog was written with the powerful intention of holding space to get our shit together!

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Email: Sarah@peakprofessionalgroup.com

  • About
  • Virtual Visits
    • My Virtual Visit
    • Virtual Groups >
      • Be Badass Women's Virtual Group
    • Sign My Virtual Visit Informed Consent
    • Provider Virtual Log in
  • Meet the Peak Family
    • Samantha Mahon, LCMHC
    • Pendy Payne, LCSW
    • Erika Hoeckberg, LCSWA
    • Sarah Mariano, LCSW
    • Laurie Nicholson- Counseling Inter
    • Bethany Collins, LCSW
    • Julianne Evans, LCMHC
    • Laurie Macdonald, LCSW
    • Matt Morano, PhD, LCMHC
    • Chantel Washington, LCMHC
    • Beverly Brosnick, LCSWA
    • Maxwell Kirn, LCSW
    • Cindy Hickman, LCMHC
    • Joanne Lisa, NCC, LCMHC
    • Alicia Blankenship, LCSW
    • Join our Team- Private Practice Opportunities >
      • Probably the most Badass Therapist position ever!!!
  • Appointment Request Form
  • Rapid Resolution Therapy
  • New Client Forms
    • SIgn my Informed Consent For Treatment
    • Sign My Virtual Visit Informed Consent
  • FAQS
  • Learn more about us!
    • Individual Counseling
    • PPG- Couples and Family Therapy services- Apex and Pittsboro >
      • The Simple Things in Love & Life
    • Counseling & Therapy Facts >
      • What is Therapy?
      • Do I need Therapy? >
        • Online Screening Tools
      • What does it feel like to be in therapy?
      • How do I find a therapist?
      • Paying for therapy
    • Insurance
    • Our Therapist Bookshelf
    • The Woman Warrior
    • Proactive Parenting
    • Counseling in Pittsboro
  • Contact
  • School-based Referrals
  • Need some Inspiration?
  • The Struggle Bus Blog
  • About
  • Learn more about therapy
  • Contact your therapist!
  • Stress Management during Quarentine
  • Keepin' it real
  • The Peak Response to Covid-19
  • Covid 19 Updates