PEAK PROFESSIONAL GROUP, PLLC - LIVE WITH PURPOSE & INTENTION
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    • Bethany Collins, LCSW
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    • Laurie Macdonald, LCSW
    • Matt Morano, PhD, LCMHC
    • Chantel Washington, LCMHC
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The Struggle Bus

A therapist's very humble and somewhat sarcastic outlook...

Dual Processing Through Grief

11/16/2018

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By: Kacey Mullaney, Counseling Intern  
11/5/2018
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After the death of a loved one, we all go through a grieving process. This process looks different for each of us, because our grief is unique- just like the person we lost. We can hear a lot of well-meaning but ultimately useless or even harmful advice, like “be strong” or “time heals all wounds” or “your loved one is in a better place”. And these comments come from the few people who are willing to acknowledge the loss! Many friends and family members feel uncomfortable even broaching the subject, fearing they’ll upset us.

With people worrying over us or tiptoeing around us, we can feel pressure to grieve a certain way. Is it too soon to laugh or wear bright colors? Am I allowed to feel anger or even relief after losing someone I loved? When am I allowed to enjoy a TV show again, or have fun on a night out? Am I supposed to be crying myself to sleep a year or more after my loss?

Popular theories about grief suggest that after going through some “stages” a mourner will be able to face their emotions and move on with their lives. But in reality, grieving isn’t so cut and dried. In addition to dealing with a wild array of fluctuating internal emotions, a mourner is also immediately faced with the necessary practical tasks that life requires. We still have to get out of bed in the morning, eat meals, pay bills, care for children and maintain relationships with remaining friends and family, even while actively dealing with a great personal loss. We might be in the “depression” stage one day, feeling hopeful and accepting the next, then crash back into depression when the holidays approach. And for many, this up and down battle can go on for years.

This is where the Dual Processing Model (DPM) by Stroebe and Schut comes in. The DPM of grieving suggests that mourners experience two different kind of stressors simultaneously: loss-oriented stressors and restoration-oriented stressors. Or, in simpler terms, we experience challenges related to the loss of our loved one, and challenges related to rebuilding our lives. We spend half of our time grieving our loved one, missing them, reminiscing about them, resisting “the new normal”. But we spend the other half of our time attending to life: paying bills, trying to distract ourselves with new things, moving into our new roles as single parents or heads of households, finding joy.

​Both loss-oriented stressors and restoration-oriented stressors come with their own sets of emotions, both positive and negative, and we bounce between them constantly. The DPM allows a mourner to be both happy and sad; devastated and hopeful; frozen and functioning; living in the past and looking toward the future. The DPM allows us to take a break from our suffocating grief and rebuild; it also allows us to take a break from rebuilding and just be sad. This is the beauty of the DPM model- it allows for a wide, healthy range of fluctuating emotions and behaviors that are all necessary as we move through our grief.

Remember, your grief is unique and normal. Don’t be surprised or ashamed by the crazy emotions you might feel. Even relief, anger and guilt are all very normal. I hope the DPM theory encourages you to follow your own process and take breaks from your grief as you see fit. It’s an ongoing process! Acknowledge your grief, and acknowledge your life as you rebuild, moving between the two as frequently as you need. Allow yourself to feel it all and experience life in a way and at a speed that makes sense for you.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And it’s worth noting that this model can apply to all sorts of significant losses in life, not just the death of a loved one.

Thanks for stopping by!


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The School Morning Struggle......

8/5/2018

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Getting yourself emotionally prepared for the start of the school year is a STRUGGLE. I mean, who is ready to start those crack of dawn wake-up battles with your kids or to wake up every morning wondering if your college kid actually went to his/her early morning class anyway?  Whether you are hounding at a teenager to get their little happy asses out of bed (as they glare at you right before throwing something at the door that you just opened) or you are bribing your elementary kids to eat a healthy breakfast as they run circles around the kitchen table fighting over who gets to sit where and who gets to have their breakfast served first- all while we are doing lamaze breathing to keep ourselves semi-sane and yes, all BEFORE our first cup of coffee-  and that is just the kids. Let’s not forget that we still have to (for working parents) get ourselves ready and out the door while we draw swords and battle against the kids for the right to eat…..the struggle is real and it is about to begin, my people.

So, as parents what strategies have you put in place to keep yourself sane in the mornings?  As you read the tips that I have collected below, you may think to yourself- “well, shit...I already do all of that so now what?”.  Remember that we can always approach things differently, even if it is the same “thing” we were doing before. We can come at things from a different perspective by shifting the way we become aware of things. So, here is a list of everyday tricks of the trade from a working mom who has “been there, done that...and more”.  Some of these tips may not apply to you or your situation and that is cool too! Take what helps and leave what doesn’t…...

  1. Get your kids emotionally prepared...NOW for the start of the school year!  Slowly start reining in their bedtimes and start getting structure back into their morning routines.
  2. Get a good night-time routine in place to prepare for the ugly early morning battles like having them get their clothes picked out for the next day, snacks on the table for the morning and spend some time at night talking to them about how things will be once school gets started.  This is kinda like what we do with Santa (for those that celebrate Christmas). We start talking about how Santa is watching them from about September through December 23rd of every year. So, to apply this we start saying things like “Remember, when school starts we are going to get everything ready at night for the next day”.
  3. Everything has its place (in theory) in the house.  Get the kids organized by getting them involved in deciding where things go.  This gives them a sense of control in their lives. You can do this by giving each of them their own “cubby” or storage box to put things in when they come home from school- nice and cranky!
  4. Make charts- I know, I know...this is the vane of our existence BUT they actually work as long as we, as parents, follow them.  Help your kids feel empowered by having them write their own list (or you can help them cut out pictures from a magazine that represent each task that they need to do in the mornings and at night before they go to bed).  
  5. Tell ‘em you love them! Every morning spend just a few moments telling your kids how much you love them and how awesome they are.  You can use your time in the car on the way to carpool or time waiting for the bus to pick them up.  Every time we are loving to our kids, they learn the importance of respect, love and kindness! We ALL need to know that we are awesome human beings!

  1. Make breakfasts DIY style-  Have bowls, spoons and cereal out on the table the night before so that when they get up they can get their breakfast ready themselves (leaving you a little bit more time to try and unwrinkle your work clothes or detangle your hair).
  2. Jam out to some tunes.  I am a huge proponent of music (I mean, who doesn’t love jamming out to their favorite tunes?).  Use music as a timer- maybe you and the kids create your morning playlist and kids know what they are supposed to be doing during each song (something pre-established between you and the kids, of course).
  3. Get your ass out of bed earlier!  No one is going to like this one but….it can save the day.  Get up just 10-15 minutes earlier every morning than you used to do.  This gives you a few free minutes to get your head on straight and pry your eyeballs open with toothpicks BEFORE the kids get up and start driving us bonkers.  This also means that you should probably try to get to bed a few minutes early than before (I know...you are thinking that there is no way in hell you can get to bed even 5 minutes early but…...you can.  You are in charge of yourself! Get to bed earlier.
  4. Use a positive reward for your kids when they get themselves up and moving and on-time in the mornings without you losing your shit.  Talk to them about what rewards they would like if they do a good job! Everyone likes a reward so help them see that positive behavior begets positive rewards.  Rewards can be coupons/vouchers for more screen time or whatever you think is appropriate but it is good to have them help you come up with what rewards will work for them.  Also, put limits on their rewards because, after all, we all need limits right?
  5. S.T.F.D.-  I am not going to spell this one out but you can google it using Urban Dictionary.  Slowwwww the….F…..down. Life is too short. Kids pick up on our anxiety, especially in the morning.  Pay attention to how your body is responding each morning. Are you sweating with panic by 7:10am or maybe you are feeling like hot-flashes are coming on waaaaay too early in life or perhaps you keep asking your kids the same questions over and over again because you aren't actually listening to the answers (I am guilty of this one!).  Our bodies give us signs that we need to slow it down. We can slow it down by doing a few of the following: take deep breaths (use an app on your phone to give you visual cues on deep breathing), do some self-care every morning (this might mean you don’t look at your emails..I don’t know...until you actually get to work?  Yeah, that might work! Find small moments throughout the day to slow the roll and remember that we all have the same 24 hours and life will not cease to exist if we slow down a little and be nice to ourselves. Even 15 minutes of self-care a day can reap benefits. And when I say self-care- get creative!

Now comes my fav part of this…..when you are struggling to keep yourself sane when school starts, it is time to think about what barriers are presenting themselves in your life….enter the awesome idea of counseling/therapy.  Counseling can give us an opportunity to dig into those underlying beliefs that impact who we are as parents and how we respond/react to stress. Hell, sometimes we just need someone else to tell us that it is okay to do something nice for ourselves.  As a therapist, I often use the oxygen mask analogy- the one where the flight attendant is very dramatically miming through some preset speech over the intercom about the importance of putting an oxygen mask on ourselves first...BEFORE..the plane crashes aka-.helping others.  Do you do this in your life? Do you take care of yourself first before taking care of your kids, spouse, significant other, teammates, co-workers and anyone else that we believe “should” take priority over our own well-being? If you do then that is awesome and you are a badass.  If you don’t then it may be time to start understanding why everyone else’s needs take priority over yours!

If you would like to know more about how counseling can help you work through stress, manage your life in your terms and/or help you put on that oxygen mask then feel free to give us a call at (919) 335-3105 or email us at information.ppg@gmail.com.  We accept most major insurances!
www.peakprofessionalgroup.com

Below are a few YouTube Videos to keep things real for ya!  
*adult words warning*

Mad props to our teachers out there!

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Be Real- Jump on the Struggle Bus with Authenticity!

2/28/2018

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   "Don't trade your authenticity for approval"
                        -anonymous

The term “authenticity” was first made popular about 15 years ago by two psychologists Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis.  As it was then defined, authenticity meant “the unimpeded operation of one's true or core self in one's daily enterprise.”  Doesn’t that sound super cool?  

Basically, in kindergarten terms it means  “be true to you”, a concept that most people struggle with.  If we use the psychologists’ definition of authenticity, then one could say that in order to operate unimpeded in life, we kinda need to know what our true and core selves are, right?  

Okay, so one of the things that therapists struggle with is being authentic and real in our professional roles.  I mean, who wants a therapist that has more issues than you do right?  Well, let me speak to this a bit.  One of the most important lessons that I have learned as a therapist is that our own personal and authentic experiences can, in fact help us to convey an even deeper sense of understanding when working with clients.  

Being true to yourself applies across the board and in all environments and settings.  Now, I am not saying to speak your mind every chance you get, in fact, a little tact can go a long way with helping a situation.  What I mean is to be true to your values (you know, those things we learned as a child and teen about what is right and wrong).  This is much easier said than done and by virtue means that we are supposed to know what our value systems are.  

So, what are our belief systems that lead to the values that we want to live our authentic life with?  One phrase that speaks well to this particular conundrum is the following:

“You are a victim of the the rules you live by”
-Jenny Holzer; artist, thinker  

Wow!  I interpret this to mean that we live our lives based off of “subconscious” belief systems that most of us are not even aware of. As an example, I learned at a very young age that hard work was the only way to live.  So, I worked very hard and still do.  In fact, I would often go to work sick just because staying home made me feel guilty.  I felt guilty because my value system was so strong.  Now, let me just say that in order for me to live an authentic life, I had to give up what I thought I was “supposed” to do and do what felt right for me….trusting in myself.  I had to learn that while working was by all means a great way to live my life it was not the only way.  I learned to loosen up my belief system, to do what felt right and to make time to play just as much or more than I work.  

I am gonna be real here though, it is a daily struggle to battle against those underlying belief systems and live a truly authentic life.  Living authentically is not an end-goal….it is a journey, a way of being- not a destination.  What belief or value systems are you living your life by?  Are these beliefs based off of your authentic self or based off of a false sense of duty?

Stay tuned for more tips on how to live your life authentically while still riding the everyday struggle bus!!!



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AWARENESS in everyday life requires BALANCE

1/1/2018

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As we start the new year, we often talk about bringing more balance into our everyday life and we promise that THIS YEAR will not be like every other year…THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT!


Let me start out by giving you some context as to who I am.  I am the owner of a private group counseling practice (Peak Professional Group, LLC) with offices in Apex and Pittsboro, North Carolina. I am also a full-time therapist at my practice  I am no expert on time-management or work-life balance and I have been on the struggle bus before.  I was thinking about how to share my experiences with others as a therapist who is also a mother, someone’s partner in crime, daughter, sister, friend and colleague.   I decided “wouldn’t it be fun to add one more thing to my never-ending to-do-list and write a weekly blog about everyday struggles from a therapist’s very raw and authentic perspective.


In order to maintain a good balance between your emotional health and getting through those everyday stressors like being a parent, working, studying, trying to figure out dinner for the 1,542nd time, you name it- balance is an absolute requirement.  

Balance is about attempting to maintain some sense of equality between your normal responsibilities and the things that make you feel like an actual human being (dancing, cranking up the radio, watching your favorite sports team play on the tv without being interrupted a million times by your kids who don’t pay any attention to you until you plop yourself down to watch that game/show…you get the idea!).

It is a lot easier said than done, says the therapist who does NOT take her own advice most days.  I have been in school and worked full time while also being a parent, sister, wife, friend and daughter for the majority of my adult life. If I have learned nothing, I have learned the art of multitasking (not always the best way to do things).  

We all hit a wall, eventually.  In fact, sometimes it feels like the struggle bus you were driving actually rammed into the brick wall.  For me, it that moment when I am looking for my cell with it in my hand or I have managed to leave the house, yet again, with mismatched shoes (in my defense, they all look the same in the dark when you have NOT had enough coffee in the morning).

So, how do we create more balance in our lives when we are running around like literal idiots all day long, trying to get all of our “tasks and work” done so our boss does not yell at us, forgetting our kids at the daycare center and then getting that super embarrassing lecture from the daycare provider about “being more responsible and respecting their time” only when we finally get our shit together and pick them up, to take them through the local fast food drive-thru to get out of feeling super guilty?  We create awareness:

1. Notice how you feel when you are stressed out- our behavior and bodies do not lie.  Some people start to get sick, others forget things (events, appointments) or misplace their stuff.

2 .Begin to plan time to do things that you actually enjoy (play time)- Set aside, even a few minutes, each day to dedicate to play.  Play can be anything from singing in the car to reading a chapter of your favorite book to even spacing out in front of Netflix for 30 minutes.  Maybe you need to actually schedule this into your everyday routine?  Either way, get it done!

3. Pay it Forward- Sometimes, we don’t have a lot of time in our day to dedicate to our own self-care but….. ya know what?  We can pay-it-forward by paying for someone’s gas at the gas station or a coffee for the next person in line.  This, not only helps you to feel good, it also sets forth a chain reaction (you just made someone else’s day).

4.Get Involved- You know all of those mindless hours you spend scoping out the latest news or gossip on Facebook?  Facebook has this super cool category called “Events” where people and organizations post upcoming events!  You can check out this section and try something new in your local community.  I tried a Profound Profanity Festival from an event created on Facebook and learned the art of saying “F&$K It” to all of the negativity in my own life!

5.Pay Attention-Take care of your responsibilities in a mindful way.  This means that instead of forgetting how we even got to work, we pay very close attention to our surroundings.  We observe our environment and keep our minds focused on the task at hand instead of the other hundred things that we are not going to get done because we set ridiculously high expectations of ourselves.

6.Play More- When all is said and done, it is important to remain balanced in our lives by incorporating more playful things and becoming more mindful of ourselves.  This is important if we want to maintain good, healthy relationships with those around us and with ourselves.  We have to learn to take care of ourselves through balancing our responsibilities with our emotional needs.

If you are interested in counseling services for yourself or a loved one, we are here to help. Peak Professional Group, LLC offers individual, couples and family counseling services.  We accept most major insurances and are dedicated to helping you in your personal journey towards an improved life!  Give us a call at 919-335-3105 or email us at information.ppg@gmail.com


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    Samantha Mahon, M.S.,NCC, LPC

    Samantha is usually the driver of the struggle bus but also thoroughly enjoys being a passenger on someone else's struggle bus.
     
    The struggle bus is a term that we use when we are in a space where things are not going the way that we planned or wanted (like every...single...day...of.....my....
    life!). 

    This blog was created with humor in mind- to share those everyday struggles and experiences that make us feel like we are going bat-shit crazy. 

    While Samantha is a professional counselor, she uses this blog, in particular, to get to the nitty-gritty of life so expect a few cuss words every now and then and please know that everything in this blog was written with the powerful intention of holding space to get our shit together!

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Office: (919) 335-3105
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Email: Sarah@peakprofessionalgroup.com

  • About
  • Virtual Visits
    • My Virtual Visit
    • Virtual Groups >
      • Be Badass Women's Virtual Group
    • Sign My Virtual Visit Informed Consent
    • Provider Virtual Log in
  • Meet the Peak Family
    • Samantha Mahon, LCMHC
    • Pendy Payne, LCSW
    • Erika Hoeckberg, LCSWA
    • Sarah Mariano, LCSW
    • Laurie Nicholson- Counseling Inter
    • Bethany Collins, LCSW
    • Julianne Evans, LCMHC
    • Laurie Macdonald, LCSW
    • Matt Morano, PhD, LCMHC
    • Chantel Washington, LCMHC
    • Beverly Brosnick, LCSWA
    • Maxwell Kirn, LCSW
    • Cindy Hickman, LCMHC
    • Joanne Lisa, NCC, LCMHC
    • Alicia Blankenship, LCSW
    • Join our Team- Private Practice Opportunities >
      • Probably the most Badass Therapist position ever!!!
  • Appointment Request Form
  • Rapid Resolution Therapy
  • New Client Forms
    • SIgn my Informed Consent For Treatment
    • Sign My Virtual Visit Informed Consent
  • FAQS
  • Learn more about us!
    • Individual Counseling
    • PPG- Couples and Family Therapy services- Apex and Pittsboro >
      • The Simple Things in Love & Life
    • Counseling & Therapy Facts >
      • What is Therapy?
      • Do I need Therapy? >
        • Online Screening Tools
      • What does it feel like to be in therapy?
      • How do I find a therapist?
      • Paying for therapy
    • Insurance
    • Our Therapist Bookshelf
    • The Woman Warrior
    • Proactive Parenting
    • Counseling in Pittsboro
  • Contact
  • School-based Referrals
  • Need some Inspiration?
  • The Struggle Bus Blog
  • About
  • Learn more about therapy
  • Contact your therapist!
  • Stress Management during Quarentine
  • Keepin' it real
  • The Peak Response to Covid-19
  • Covid 19 Updates